My daughter recently expressed an interest in acting so we signed her up for a beginning improv class.
During the first class, she was extremely shy (which is definitely her personality in new settings), barely spoke above a whisper when it was her turn to participate, and then whenever she was asked to add something to a scene she would choose to be a “table” or a “tree” or some other inanimate object that didn’t have to speak. Pretty smart, honestly 🙂
The other kids in the class had huge personalities, were totally comfortable speaking in front of the group, and clearly had been doing improv for a while – they were funny and creative!
Despite hardly uttering a word and appearing to be shell-shocked most of the class, she asked to do it again the next week saying on the car ride home; “That was fun, it was a little scary, but I want to try to do more during the scenes next time.” Awesome.
On Tuesday, I took her back for her second class and after the warm-up exercises, where she once again refused to speak, the teachers set up a scene and had the kids hop in one at a time. Sloane was the last one in and when it was her turn to add something, she stood there frozen, not saying a word.
The teachers gave her at least 30 seconds of space to build up the courage to say something. Anything. She didn’t move or speak the entire time.
Then they started giving her leading questions to help her get over the hump. Still nothing.
I felt my “Dad” instincts start to kick in; I wanted to give her a pump-up. I wanted to say, from the side of the room where the parents hang out, “You can do it, Sloane!” or “Come on, girl, you got this!” or “Sloane, for the love of god, just say SOMETHING…ANYTHING!”
It was painful to watch her freeze up. It was painful to all the other kids, who couldn’t have been sweeter or more patient, to silently stand there waiting for to do something.
But I held strong to my own “don’t coach from the stands” advice, didn’t utter a single word, and then after a couple of very looooong minutes, she did it! She said something that actually was beneficial to the scene and the class was rolling again.
Here’s what happens when we “coach from the stands” in sports, theater, music, etc.
- Our kid will get distracted by our voice and lose focus on the task at hand.
- They will start to think that we don’t believe in them,
- They will start to think they can only do hard or uncomfortable things with our help.
- We send a message to them that their coaches/teachers/instructors don’t know what they’re doing and that we can do their job better than they can.
- Our child will not learn to overcome challenges when we are always to help them “fix” it.
Is it easy watching your child struggle? Of course not!
As Sloane stood there frozen, every fiber of my being wanted to help her. But inserting myself into the situation would have been the worst thing for her.
Maybe I would have felt better about myself if I spoke up – “Are I such a good Dad? I never let my little girl be sad or feel uncomfortable!” – but then I would have robbed her of both the experience of struggling (something every human needs practice in) and then the feeling of accomplishment when overcoming a challenge on her own.
You probably see where this blog is headed…I see and hear well-meaning youth sports parents trying to help their kids from the stands all the time but those comments are doing more harm than good.
We’ve all seen that player who looks into the stands for his parents after throwing every pitch.
The player looking over his shoulder to see what his parents thought about his swing in the middle of an at bat.
That’s a learned behavior!
And it comes from a place of infinite parental love.
But it’s not helping them grow. It’s not helping them learn.
And THIS is why youth sports is such an incredible teaching tool!
Through sports, we can help our kids develop resiliency. We can teach them to embrace the struggle rather than avoid it. We can encourage them to do hard things and allow them to feel the satisfaction of success. We can encourage them to fail.
And we can do all of this while they are still kids participating in an activity where their short-term results have absolutely ZERO bearing on their future.
But what they learn about themselves through the process of trial and error, failure and success, 100% will have a lasting effect on what time of skills they possess as adults.
As for Sloane’s future improv career? She walked out of the second class and said, “I felt a lot better by the end of that one…can I go back and try to participate even more next week?”
ATTA GIRL!